I Feel Like A Fraud Sometimes...

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Wow! Wouldn't it be lovely if one day you woke up and all of your fears and worries went out the window? Like you no longer had to deal with self-doubt, insecurities, and limitations. Maybe this dream has happened to some, but I have not yet experienced this to be the case. 

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You see,  I am here during this lifetime to promote love, light, and positivity. Most of the time, I can find the good within situations. Most of the time, I feel secure, confident, and loving. But, not all the time. Part of the reason why I try to spread the message of self-love and accepting ourselves for who we are is because I spent years trying to become "perfect". I thought that I'd never be "good enough". I thought I wasn't smart enough. I thought my thighs were too thick. I thought that I didn't deserve to be out having fun. Over the years, I learned that my mindset at the time was stemming from fear, a separation from love.

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Part of the reason why I am so committed to promoting self-love and acceptance is because I have taken the time to work through many of my fears, insecurities, and separation from love. Although I have done much in terms of personal and spiritual development, I still have negative thoughts and stories creep into my mind from time to time. It's during these times that I start to doubt myself and my message. I question why I can be so vocal in support of learning to love yourself, but then I have self-doubt and insecurities that pop back up.

When this happens, I feel like a fraud, like I'm a poor example of my own teachings. Why can't I block any future negative thoughts from popping into my mind? I can laugh at this statement right now, but when I'm in that moment of doubting my abilities and my self-worth, I'm not laughing, I'm crying. I'm slipping back into the fearful mindset of the 16-year-old Kilee who feels like she's not "good enough" just as she is. I'm learning that we always have the choice to return back to love. We can always turn that fear-based mindset around and chose to be loving towards ourself.

I don't know if I'll ever feel 100% lovable. I don't know if I'll ever be 100% secure with who I am. I do know that I will give it my best shot! Each day, I wake up, state three things I'm grateful for, and chose to face the day with a positive mindset. When fear-based thoughts come up, I try to shift them into a loving thought. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I guess that what I'm trying to say, is that I'm just like you. You're just like me. We all have negative, self-limiting thoughts and beliefs. It's what we choose to do with them that matters. It's how we continue to shift from a fear-based to a love-based mindset.

I'm here to share with you that I feel like a fraud when my own negative thoughts come up. However, I'm choosing to forgive myself. I'm choosing to love myself with all my self-perceived "faults" so I can be a positive example to others. I want to feel good. I want you to feel good. I want the world to feel good. Therefore, I'm just going to keep chugging along. Waking up each morning, trusting that the best is yet to come.

This past weekend, I was dog and house-sitting for my mom. I woke up Sunday morning with an itch to go to the beach. Madee and I grabbed some beach towels and water bottles and drove out to the coast. We drove up Highway 101 and stopped in the cute coastal town, Manzanita. We walked along the beach for a good two hours. It felt so refreshing to breath in the salty ocean air and feel the crunch of the sand beneath our feet. Growing up at the coast, you take it for granted. I could go down to the beach whenever I felt like it. Now that I no longer live so close to the beach, it's a special occasion. Leaving the coast, I felt more calm and grounded. There's something about taking in the vastness of the ocean that helps you and your problems feel so small. Similar to how you feel when you gaze at the stars.

I'll leave you with a video from our morning on the beach. Please know that we're all human. We all have the ability to choose love over fear. I commit to continually shifting my fear-based thoughts to love-based thoughts.

Sending you much love and light,

Kilee 

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